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MOSQUITO MOSCATO

A diligent drinker explains:

I have a friend who drinks through a straw.  I mean, drinks everything through a straw. Water, milk, cola, cocktails and beer.  The fact that it’s incredibly wasteful notwithstanding, it’s childish and sometimes embarrassing.  He carries straws with him and pouts if he can’t have one.  He left a fine dining restaurant to go to a convenience store to get a straw once!

LISTEN:

Once!  Oh my God!  When will it stop?!

Not the drinking through a straw – your imbecilic complaining?

What you have here is a foible, a characteristic of an individual that sets him apart and is a slight weakness of character that has no implications on his morality.  That is until you throw how “wasteful” it is in the air like a shotgun pigeon.  I’d shoot it down, but it’s too easy a target.

Why don’t you show your friend both how much you care for him and how much you care for the environment by giving him a lovely sterling silver drinking draw for his birthday?  I saw one at Tiffany’s once – it had a monkey on it, so it’s appropriate for everyday use.

If that’s too exciting, what about a set of stainless steel ones?  Either way he can re-use them, and you can burnish your green credentials as you sit in a fine dining restaurant watching your dear friends toast a man sucking up his liquids, preferably through a monkey.

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