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A terrible human being asks an incredibly stupid question:

Yesterday I had plans with a friend, and I inadvertently made plans with another.  As soon as I remembered, I called the second friend back, and now she’s really mad at me!  I don’t know why, because it’s not like this is the first time I’ve done it.  It was just a simple mistake!  She knows me – and I think she should cut me some slack.  Don’t you agree?

LISTEN:

Nope.  Not even a little bit.

You are an absolutely wretched, miserable, self-centered person who doesn’t have the right to have any friends at all much less two conflicting on your calendar.  “It was a simple mistake!” you snivel, as if it was something you did accidentally, like run over a nun avoiding a squirrel.  That’s a mistake.  Cardigans are a mistake.  What you did was called negligence, and come to think of it, they’d probably tack that word onto “homicide” and throw you in the slammer for the nun thing, too – though PETA would be happy with you.

And that’s always a mistake.

You don’t go around saying “Yes” to things and making plans if you aren’t absolutely certain you can fulfill that obligation.  Forgetting isn’t what makes you a bad person, it’s knowing you are likely to forget and not doing anything about it.  That makes you into a liar, not a quirky, absent-minded, accident-prone whatever you’re trying to pull off.  Don’t you have a God damned calendar?  Learn how to use it.  It’s got little squares for each day, and you just have to write in what you’re doing on the little squares…got it?

And if you don’t want to carry it around and you’re too stupid to use technology, try this phrase: Let me check my calendar when I get home and get back to you.  That’s three things right there – going home, checking the calendar, and then letting someone know whether or not you really are available.

I think it would probably be better to just stand someone up and pretend you got the date wrong than to continuously lie to a close friend.  Shut the fuck up!  You are lying!  We’ve established a pattern here, and you’re not doing anything to correct it, right?  Try pulling that in court after a weekend of cardigan wearing nun slaughter.  It won’t work there and it won’t work with me.

Now go write your friend an abject apology and post it online.  It’s the absolute least you can do right now, and in the future…

Don’t do it again.

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