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I’LL FLY AWAY

An aviation aversion:

I hate flying now.  The idiotic farce we pretend is “security” notwithstanding, the passengers are so rude and entitled.  Two days ago I was on a flight and a woman would not get off her cell phone.  When the stewardess stood there and told her to turn it off while she was standing there, the woman turned her head away and kept talking on the phone!  Finally the stewardess told her she had three seconds before she had her removed and the woman yelled at her and called her a bitch.  This isn’t the only time I’ve seen this, either.  What can we do about this?  What’s the polite way of dealing with these horrible people?

LISTEN:

The polite way of dealing with horrible people is to pretend they don’t exist.

The polite way to deal with a lawbreaker is to inform the authorities, which you may have noticed were already notified, as their notice of the nuisance was what unnerved you.  What?

Nothing – look – in this situation, and in any involving authorities greater than withholding a subsequent invitation, you really should take a Winnie the Poohsition of minding your own beeswax.  Unlike the rather silly security measures we are required to endure should we want to fly anywhere in a plane belonging to someone else, there is a very good reason for turning off electronic equipment when a plane is flying around, or about to start (or stop).  Put your cell phone next to the television and call it sometime to see what kind of interference it can cause.

This isn’t being forced to abandon a water bottle at the body scanner – this can actually fuck shit up.

That said, passengers trying to wedge a small auto in the overhead compartment, overly chatty passengers, entitled women with cell phones – these all have various ways of being dealt with.

The Flight Attendants (not stewardesses) will deal with one and three.  Why anyone bothers trying to bring a carry on bag with them anymore anyway is beyond me.  Clothes go to bag check, valuables in your purse or dispatch bag, and you go to bag check or customer service at the other end.  Another thing to do to ensure your bag gets on the plane is to check it at the gate.  That way you know it’s coming along for the ride, and not going somewhere more exciting than you.

The electronically inclined will have to deal with the authorities, so you don’t have to.

Chatty people can be dispatched with a book.  Don’t actually kill them with it, but don’t answer any of their opening questions.  Just pull it out, smile pleasantly and say “I’m sorry – I’ve been really looking forward to this flight because I’m finally going to get to catch up on my reading!”

You don’t actually have to read it.  You can just hold it and stare out the window, or into the aisle.  Or straight ahead.  Whatever.  If you don’t like to read, bring a small, light book.

Trust me.

I find a Rosary works well, too.  If you just close your eyes and mumble – they’ll usually just leave you alone.  Any string of beads will do if you look sufficiently contemplative.

Oh, and if you’re the talker sitting next to another talker – good for you.  If you’re sitting next to someone who doesn’t want to talk – shut the fuck up.  SHUT.  THE.  FUCK.  UP.

But finally – and really – just don’t sweat it.  Any of it.  If you have to go on a plane, you have to deal with this shit.  Your blood boiling won’t make it any better, and will only make it harder for you to endure.  Just accept the fact this is what you’re going to go through, do your part as efficiently as you can, and let other people be.

That or take a road trip.

Don’t get me started on drivers…

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