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SHE BANGS

A disturbed tenant writes:

I live in the middle floor of a rather large apartment complex.  The new upstairs neighbor makes so much noise – I know when you first move in you have to move stuff around and hammer nails into the wall and everything else.  But it’s been months.  And now she has rather noisy sex with her boyfriend.  I mean, good for her, but what can I do to make her aware of the disturbance she’s causing?

LISTEN:

Now that’s more like it.  A good ol’ dirty neighbor question – I like it!

Sadly, you can’t really tell someone to pipe down when they’re entertaining in such an intimate fashion.  I would suggest leaving a tape-recording of her efforts on her stoop, but no one has a tape player anymore, much less a tape recorder.  Though if you felt up to it, you could probably find all that at a thrift store.

I’m glad you were understanding when she moved in – though perhaps you should have complained to her that first day while miming the sounds you heard her make.  Then you would get to have air sex now to get your point across.  Ah, hindsight.

The solution, really, is just a sweetly written note attached to a present and left on her Welcome mat.  Offer her a belated welcome to the community, and tell her that you are glad she’s enjoying her new home.  Tell her you think that she would really enjoy the gift you left for her, and it would please you to no end for her to use it as much as she could.

I don’t know if ball gags come in sizes, so you should probably enclose a gift-receipt as well.

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