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MELOTOXIC

A disgusting salad suggestion:

I despise melon – all kinds – and yet I find myself going to a dinner at a friend’s house where they will be serving a something with melon (they always do).  I can’t choke it down, and I feel terrible…what is the most polite way for me to decline a portion and not insult my hosts?

LISTEN:

OK, the original question was about peas, but I like peas, so I replaced it with the word melon.

I hate melon.

And I’m afraid I have a really hard time practicing what I preach here because I actually freak the fuck out when I see melon.  It disgusts me so thoroughly that I actually get emotional and want to leave.  I completely lose my appetite, and Can.  Not.  Eat.  Anything.

I wouldn’t care what it would do to the food chain, if anything – I would happily release a virus that destroyed all melons forever.

Obviously, I’m deeply emotionally damaged.

But I’m still polite.

I say, straining to keep my composure as tears stream down my face – I say, I choke out the words, rather: No, thank you.

That’s it.

You will be barraged, of course, by people demanding to know why, asking what’s wrong, telling you to try “just a little,” etc., and above all else, just don’t make a stupid excuse.  Tell them not to worry about it at all, but you just can’t eat melon (or peas, or eggs, or rotting fish – whatever), and tell them you’re sure it’s lovely.

They’ll offer to fix you something else.  You say – ?

That’s right.  No, thank you.

They fix it anyway.  Do not reward this behavior.  Don’t touch it – even if you’re starving.  If you do, then you’re basically saying you expect your generous hosts to be short order cooks, which is more difficult in the long run than fucking well remembering that you DON’T EAT MELON.

I mean, how hard is that anyway?  Oh, well.  Bear and forebear – just continue to say “Oh, no, thank you.”

And pray to whatever higher power you want that there’s no cantaloupe sorbet for dessert.

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