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Or full of shit.

When you encounter someone – say, at a cocktail party – who says that their only motivation is to help others, you should excuse yourself immediately and go help yourself.  To another drink.

Otherwise you are in for a wonderful night of passive-aggressive accusations that you, yourself, are not open to love, or whatever else this charlatan is selling.

Yoga lessons, psychic powers, crystal healing, aura massage, homeopathic nonsense and other great business opportunities – why would you turn any of these down?  Perhaps it’s the cartoonish ghost images of dollar signs floating in their dilated pupils.

Generally, I wouldn’t permit any excuse to follow a simple “No, thank you” –  “Would you like to come to an art opening on Saturday?”  “No, thank you.” – that’s how that conversation should start and end.  Cajoling and demanding explanations are nothing else than bullying, so cut it out.  But providing half-hearted excuses is just lying, when what you’re trying to say is “I just don’t want to do it, I don’t have a reason why and I don’t need one.  Do go away.”

But I like the ring that has to it…

No, no, no – back to how to deal with charlatans.  When someone asks you if you want their particular brand of crazy, you have to quickly say No, thanks – and then try to get away.  If they start in hard-selling with oh, how wonderful it is (do they do anything else?) – just say “I’m so sorry, but I just don’t have any money.”

You’ll be amazed at how their amazing opportunities vanish in a flash.  It’s almost like they weren’t sincere.

I suppose a word of warning – if someone persists, offering you a loan, or a trial period and personally guaranteeing your success, you have a first rate grifter and you need to get away.  The polite way to do this is to look longingly at your (empty, half-empty, completely full) glass distractedly…ignoring whatever their saying until prompted to pay attention.

“So…what do you think?”

“Huh?  What?  Oh, my – you know – I think I need another drink.  Excuse me.”

Which is also like serving a fresh glass of shut the fuck up.

Everybody wins.


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