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DIAMONDS IN THE STREET

From a vigilant citizen:

I found a very expensive watch on the subway two days ago, and I’m not sure what I should do.  There’s an inscription – To CK Love SD, but that’s all I have to go on.  Should I put up posters?  Take out a lost and found ad?

LISTEN:

If you were wanting to keep it, writing here is the best way to keep that secret.

I don’t know how expensive “very expensive” is to someone like you.  And by “someone like you”, I don’t mean the maudlin lost love in an overplayed song – I mean a decent, honest person whose first, and correct, instinct is to find out the right thing to do.  Or the right way to do the right thing.

The first thing is to ascertain the value of the object.  If it’s more than $100.00, the you are generally required to turn said object in to the police.  You’ll have to fill out some forms and wait 30 days or something, but if the true owners don’t show up – then it’s yours to keep.

And that’s where the adventure begins.

OMG yes, you should put up posters.  You should have posters made of yourself, shirtless, wearing the watch.  Have a logo printed across the top – KC (heart shape) DS (do you see?  Do you see what I did there??) – you can flex your muscles while looking sideways into the camera.  (I reversed the initials!  It’s a clue!)

Oh!  Or you can put the watch between your teeth!  Between your dog’s teeth!  HAVE A PUPPY WEAR IT AS A COLLAR!!  The point is, have fun with it, and leave lots of hints.  Make sure there is a clear image of the watch, but not the inscription.  You want the people who know it’s missing to get the clue, right?  Set up and include a throwaway email account at the bottom of the flyers – something like – ifoundyourwatchandwanttoreturnitsoemailme @ email . com – you get the idea.  Then make as many flyers, posters and cards as you can afford, and as many different types as you can afford.  Slap them up wherever they’re legal – make them into paper planes and toss them out the window of a tall building.  Tape a nickel to them and hand them out to strangers.  See if you can make it a meme.

Can you imagine?  It’s some newly married gay couple, just home from their honeymoon, sleepy and a little slippery from all that sun-tan lotion and of course a bit thinner because they went on a crash diet right before the trip so just nothing fits.  That was his big present for his birthday, and now it’s gone.  You have it.

Oh, no – or it’s some poor little old lady whose husband just died.  Maybe he was killed rescuing a kitten from a flood!  And she is coming home from the hospital with an envelope filled with his effects, and somehow that slipped out.  You heartless bastard…you better put up those posters.

Who knows – you may make someone extraordinarily happy.  It may take days, months, years – you just keep at it.  The stories you’ll be able to think about alone would be worth it!

Of course, you could also just go pawn it and spend the money on liquor.

I won’t judge you.

 

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