You Need To Quit

A concerned commentary:

I thought this stupid blog was supposed to be about etiquette.  What’s with the voting crap?

LISTEN:

The real issue, my dearest friend, is that ultimately it is my blog, so if I wander around a bit, tough tits.

But since you mentioned it, let me just say this:

I don’t care who you vote for. I don’t – not really. I only care that you vote. In the magic-make-believe-unicorns-farting-ice-cream land I’ve created in my head, not only are cantaloupes extinct, but so are mosquitoes – the weather is like San Francisco but with more sun, Google has delivered emission free self-driving cars, and voting is bloody well mandatory.

Don’t get me wrong – you can still vote none-of-the-above as your conscience dictates, but you HAVE to vote. Upon pain of … I don’t know – higher taxes for my friends with an R after their chosen representative and … whatever it is that democrats fear. Standing up for their beliefs, I guess.

Oh, that’s just the elected ones.

The point is, if’n I were god, your ass would have voted already.

Finally, look – it should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me that I’m one drop of blood to the left of bleeding heart communist – but that’s not the point. The point is I’m allowed to be. I have a right to be, as far as we all agree under the constitution (quiz me sometime about the amendments).  I have a right to any political opinion that I want.

Well, so do you.

The thought goes like this: “I can’t personally believe you’re voting for the other guy, but provided you’re bothering to think through the issues – even on a glib, superficial level – I’m more glad you voted than not. That way I can hold you responsible when we get into a screaming match followed by lots of good scotch. I don’t want you to unfriend me on facebook, and I’m not going to unfriend you. I want to know you, I want to know why, and I want reasonable people to be reasonable and work through the issues upon which we disagree with diligence, supported by facts, and most of all with honesty – even when we make craven choices like ___________(insert your accusation here)____________.”

See? This Unicorn Fart Sundae tastes D E L I C I O U S.

OK.  Now I’m going to take my awful, pushy, adorable dog for a walk. And what are you going to go do, if you haven’t done it already?

That’s right. You’re gonna go vote.